


Absent Peace

by CloverzBandit



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Abuse, Depression, Disowned by family, Drug Use, F/F, Friendship Reunited, Hospital, Human AU, Little Bit of Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Other, Overdose, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Pills, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, The Bits, out of body experience, some fluff at the end, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 04:22:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21247406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloverzBandit/pseuds/CloverzBandit
Summary: After Lapis’s attempt, she gets moved in with Peridot to help her past issues.***Trigger Warning***





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by:
> 
> (Cough Syrup- Young the Gaint)  
Life's too short to even care at all oh I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control These fishes in the sea they're staring at me oh oh oh oh oh oh A wet world aches for a beat of a drum, oh If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away To some fortune that I, I should have found by now I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down, come down Life's too short to even care at all oh I'm coming up now coming up now out of the blue oh These zombies in the park they're looking for my heart oh oh oh oh A dark world aches for a splash of the sun oh oh If I could find a way to see this straight, I'd run away To some fortune that I, I should have found by now And so I run to the things they said could restore me Restore life the way it should be I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down
> 
> (This is Gospel- Panic! At the Disco)  
This is gospel for the fallen ones Locked away in permanent slumber Assembling their philosophies From pieces of broken memories (This is the beat of my heart) Their gnashing teeth and criminal tongues Conspire against the odds But they haven't seen the best of us yet If you love me, let me go These words are knives and often leave scars The fear of falling apart Truth be told, I never was yours The fear of falling apart This is gospel for the vagabonds Ne'er-do-wells and insufferable bastards Confessing their apostasies Led away by imperfect impostors (This is the beat of my heart) Don't try to sleep through the end of the world And bury me alive 'Cause I won't give up without a fight
> 
> (This is Home- Cavetown)  
Are you tired of me yet? I'm a little sick right now But I swear When i'm ready I will fly us out of here I'll cut my hair To make you stare I'll hide my chest And i'll figure out a way to get us out of here. Turn off your porcelain face I can't really think right now in this place There's too many colors Enough to drive all of us insane

Lapis looked down, staring at the empty pill and whiskey bottle in her shaking hands. She's finally done it, she's finally going to stop hurting. She then looks down at her wrists. They were all covered in deep scratches and burn marks. Lapis smiles at her work. It was the only thing that brought her relief and control. 

She looks to her right. Her phone. It was buzzing wildly. She had texted one of her closest friends a goodbye message. Peridot was calling her, non-stop. She tears up at all the fun times they went through in the past few weeks they’ve met. All their hangouts, the binge-watching, and everything else. Then, the bad things hit her, Jasper and her foster mother. Lapis starts crying at all the terrible things they did to her. But she can't think that much though. The alcohol she ingested along with the pills were taking her away. 

She dropped the bottles and, slowly and shakily, stood up. She collapsed on her bed, closing her eyes and trying not to vomit. She still hears her phone buzzing. After a few minutes, she can feel the strong pull of her life fading away.  _ Finally _ ... She inwardly says. She slowly goes unconscious; not hearing the sirens or the door to her apartment being opened frantically, along with pleading and crying from a familiar blonde. The world darkens under her eyelids.

_ Take your time...Peri, I love you… _ She thinks before everything goes dark and dead silent.

* * *

“L҉a҉p҉i҉s҉…L҉a҉p҉i҉s҉! W҉a҉k҉e҉ u҉p҉!” A familiar voice yells desperately but muffled. “L҉a҉p҉i҉s҉! P҉l҉e҉a҉s҉e҉….p҉l҉e҉a҉s҉e҉ w҉a҉k҉e҉ u҉p҉….” The voice cries again.

Lapis slowly, but not fully, wakes up. She barely opens her eyes to see bright green clothing and pale skin. There were some others beside the green, wearing something in white and a faded blue color, that came with a blob of more blurriness.

“L҉a҉p҉i҉s҉ L҉a҉z҉u҉l҉i҉, p҉l҉e҉a҉s҉e҉ d҉r҉i҉n҉k҉ t҉h҉i҉s҉.” A different muffled voice says. “H҉e҉r҉ e҉y҉e҉s҉ a҉r҉e҉ d҉i҉l҉a҉t҉e҉d҉. S҉h҉e҉ p҉r҉o҉b҉a҉b҉l҉y҉ c҉a҉n҉'t҉ m҉o҉v҉e҉ o҉n҉ h҉e҉r҉ o҉w҉n҉. S҉h҉e҉'s҉ t҉o҉ w҉e҉a҉k҉. H҉o҉l҉d҉ h҉e҉r҉ u҉p҉ s҉o҉ I҉ c҉a҉n҉ g҉e҉t҉ h҉e҉r҉ t҉o҉ d҉r҉i҉n҉k҉ t҉h҉i҉s҉. A҉n҉d҉ m҉i҉s҉s҉, p҉l҉e҉a҉s҉e҉ c҉a҉l҉m҉ d҉o҉w҉n҉. S҉h҉e҉'s҉ g҉o҉i҉n҉g҉ t҉o҉ b҉e҉ o҉k҉.”

Lapis can feel hands on her, pushing her body up in a sitting position. Lapis moans in protest. She’s too tired and sick to deal with this, so she closes her eyes again. Soon, hands are forcefully opening her mouth. Lapis tries to resist, but her limbs were useless. Once the hands successfully opened Lapis's mouth, air was blown on her face. Then, a thick liquid substance was poured in her mouth. Lapis tried to spit it out but the air blown in her face was making her drink it desperately. Once she drank the substance empty, the hands slowly set her down again.

Lapis slowly goes unconscious again, but before she did, she heard something.

“L҉a҉p҉i҉s҉, p҉l҉e҉a҉s҉e҉ p҉l҉e҉a҉s҉e҉ p҉l҉e҉a҉s҉e҉ d҉o҉n҉'t҉ l҉e҉a҉v҉e҉ m҉e҉.!” The familiar voice cries desperately. “ I҉ n҉e҉e҉d҉ y҉o҉u҉…”

Then, everything stops again.

* * *

Lapis woke to the sound of sniffing and crying, along with the beeping of her heart rate. Slowly but surely, she opens her eyes. The first thing she sees is a mix of color, mostly purple. But, once that fades away, she can see her closest friend in her signature green hoodie. Peridot was sitting in a chair, her head on the bed; along with her arms covering her face. She was crying….. On her presumable death bed. Lapis feels the rush of guilt consume her. Peridot was crying. . . . because of her,  _ but why would she waste her tears on her? Why is she even still here? Was this hell and my punishment was watching Peri crying her eyes out for eternity? That would be the second worst thing to live through…. _

Lapis looks around slowly, dizziness starting to making its way to her head again. Once she processes through her haze, she knows what's happening and where she is.  _ Shit, it didn’t work!  _ Lapis inwardly courses to herself. At that moment, she twitches, causing Peridot to look up, gaze locked straight on Lapis’s eyes. Once Lapis looks at her, she absolutely hates herself. Peridot was a mess. She looks like she was going to pass out of exhaustion. She definitely hasn’t slept in a while. Her hair was wild, her eyes were red and watery, her cheeks stained with tears; and, most concerning, her face was plastered with sorrow, sadness, and scarring like a witness of a murder. Peridot was terrified…..of her decision to end it all, to just give away her shot… Lapis nearly breaks down at her best friend’s expression.

“Lapis…..” She whispers in a hoarse voice. Lapis is at a loss, too distraught to form words. “God Lapis…..you scared the hell out of me...” Peridot tears up, standing up and hugged Lapis, carefully avoiding the wires connected to her. Lapis is frozen, but then she lets everything go. She clings to Peridot and cries freely of all her bottled up feelings. Peridot hugs tighter; like if she let go, Lapis would disappear. They stayed like that, crying their eyes out while hugging desperately to each other. But, after a few minutes of hugging, they heard the door open. They pull apart and turn to look at the doctor.

“Sorry to interrupt, but I need to talk to Miss Lazuli. Unless you would like for your guest to stay and listen?” The doctor said, walking up to the machines that were connected to Lapis’s body. She looked to Peridot, who gave a look of hinting she wanted to stay.

“Um….. she can stay,” Lapis said hesitantly in a low voice.

“Alright, now, do you know why you are in the hospital?” The doctor asks.

Lapis fidgets with her fingers. “ Um….I, overdosed….with alcohol?”

“Overdosed and drank on what exactly?”

“.... Sleeping pills…and whiskey...”

Peridot just stood there, not knowing what to do. She just couldn’t get why Lapis would do such a thing.

“Hmmm, I see. While you were out, we gave you charcoal in order to absorb the pills from your gut, an IV, and pumped your stomach. If it wasn’t for your friend here, we would’ve lost you. Now, would you like to talk privately”

Lapis hesitates, averting her eyes to her wrist. “Uh, yes please,” Lapis says in a whisper.

“Alright, I’ll leave you be. We will check on you in a few hours to do a checkup, provide food, and give you something to withdraw the alcohol. If you need anything, just push that red button on your right-hand side.” And with that, the doctor left.

The silence in the air was deafening. Peridot moved back to sit on the chair next to Lapis’s bed, looking emotionless. Lapis tried looking away but Peridot spoke in a stern yet calming tone. “Look. . . I’m not mad at you, but I’m just very confused, scared, concerned, and…. I don’t know….. how to take something like this happening. I-“ Peridots expression changed to one of a terrified and pleading dog of abandonment. “Lapis, I want to be there for you, to care for you, to love you…. But I can’t live with myself if you died on me…. so please Lapis, let me be there for you and tell me what made you do all this.” Her eyes started to water. “And I know you don’t like being close or talk about feelings to someone you’ve meet a few weeks ago, but please, please tell me what I can do to help you be happy…” Peridot finished, reaching over to hold Lapis’s hand.

She was dumbfounded at the speech. Peridot actually cared about her and  _ wants _ to help her. Nobody has ever offered to help, let alone talk to Lapis about her problems before; apart from Steven, but he was young, innocent, and obvious to the bad things in the world.

Lapis just stared at Peridot, she looks back. Then, Lapis looks down at Peridot’s hand in hers. Lapis puts on a weak smile and coughs on a light laugh, tears beginning to form once more. Peridot quickly gives a light squeeze to Lapis’s hand and tilts her chin up to face her. “Hey...it's ok Laz, I’m here and I’ll always be...” She spoke softly. Lapis smiles at her.

“I-I-I-.....I never thought someone would care about me… let alone help me with my problems…” Lapis spoke slowly, averting her gaze to the window on her right.

“Hey, stay with me,” Peridot says as she once again focuses Lapis’s gaze on her, “Tell me what’s bothering you. I want to help you… let me help you.” She pleads.

Lapis stares through her round, yellow-tinted, glasses. She looked so sincere, caring, and hopeful. She was perfect. She doesn’t deserve a person like her. Lapis deserves to be alone and die alone with no one caring if she’s gone.

Lapis’ thoughts were too much. She unconsciously removed her hands on Peridots and started to dig her nails deep in her skin of her wrist. Peridot noticed her distress and instantly took action. She took both of Lapis’s hands and held them both in hers. “Lapis, tell me what’s wrong… please. I won’t think anything different of you.” Peridot half yells. Lapis looked at her.  _ Why, why would she care this much!? Why should she care if I was dead!? _ She started to shake violently, eyes watering again, breathing picking up. She shakily pulled her knees to her chest and slammed her head on them. Peridot instantly took her hand off her and came on the lower part of the bed. She shook her shoulders. “Lapis, please look at me! Stop hurting yourself!” She yells desperately at her blue-haired friend.

Lapis was lost in her thoughts. The things that traumatized her coming back full force. Her foster mom, Blue Diamond, beating her senseless because of the loss of her younger sister. Verbal abuse spewing from her mouth, her pinning Lapis’s front side against the wall, her forcefully pushing a burning curling iron between the shoulder blades of her back, her throwing her out of the house, her yelling at the top of her lungs for Lapis to kill herself in the distance of her painful escape….. then running into Jasper. Jasper was the main ticket to hell. It didn’t help when Jasper worked for the fallen sister. Jasper somehow recognized her and took Lapis to her place. The next thing she knew, she was trapped. Trapped in her house. Trapped in her workout studio full of mirrors. Trapped and cornered on a chilling night at the beach. Suffocating, grabbing, drowning, suffering, yelling, screaming, sinking, blacking out…...waking up wet in Jaspers bed. Bruises, cuts, scratch marks, teeth markings, everything hurting. Those three months was hell. Constant fighting. Constant beatings. Constant dominance. Constant waking up in drenched sweat and wetness. Constant drowning in the ocean's water. Being forced to take drugs, weed, smoke, getting high, and more so she can’t fight against Jasper. Being traumatized for all the shit Jasper and Blue Diamond did. Lapis can never be the same, never can sleep, never can stop the water filling her lungs, never can take looking at herself in the mirror, never can be clean again, never can stop feeling rough touches against her own body, never can trust anyone ever again, never can stop the pain, never can kick her addiction to drugs and alcohol, never can go back, never can stop this hell, never can-

. . . . . . . . . . . .

A moment past. Her thoughts are put to a halt. Lapis’s body freezes for a moment, then slowly goes numb. She can’t open her eyes, their glued shut. Her body falls against the bed. Her limbs aren’t responding. She hears muffles of voices. She focuses on them the best she could.

“-t҉o҉ c҉a҉l҉m҉ h҉e҉r҉ d҉o҉w҉n҉ a҉n҉d҉ m҉a҉k҉e҉ s҉u҉r҉e҉ s҉h҉e҉ d҉o҉e҉s҉ n҉o҉t҉ h҉a҉v҉e҉ a҉n҉o҉t҉h҉e҉r҉ u҉r҉g҉ t҉o҉ h҉u҉r҉t҉ h҉e҉r҉s҉l҉f҉. S҉h҉e҉ h҉a҉d҉ a҉ p҉a҉n҉i҉c҉ a҉t҉t҉a҉c҉k҉, a҉ v҉e҉r҉y҉ w҉o҉r҉r҉y҉ s҉o҉m҉e҉ a҉t҉ t҉h҉a҉t҉. S҉h҉e҉ d҉i҉d҉n҉'t҉ e҉v҉e҉n҉ r҉e҉s҉p҉o҉n҉d҉ t҉o҉ t҉h҉e҉ s҉h҉o҉t҉s҉. S҉o҉m҉e҉t҉h҉i҉n҉g҉ h҉a҉p҉p҉e҉n҉e҉d҉ t҉o҉ t҉h҉i҉s҉ g҉i҉r҉l҉, a҉n҉d҉ w҉h҉a҉t҉ e҉v҉e҉r҉ c҉a҉u҉s҉e҉d҉ t҉h҉i҉s҉ p҉a҉n҉i҉c҉ a҉t҉t҉a҉c҉k҉ m҉u҉s҉t҉ b҉e҉ i҉m҉p҉o҉r҉t҉a҉n҉t҉. S҉i҉n҉c҉e҉ s҉h҉e҉ d҉o҉e҉s҉n҉'t҉ h҉a҉v҉e҉ a҉n҉y҉ r҉e҉c҉o҉r҉d҉s҉ o҉f҉ f҉a҉m҉i҉l҉y҉ a҉n҉d҉ y҉o҉u҉ b҉e҉i҉n҉g҉ t҉h҉e҉ o҉n҉l҉y҉ o҉n҉e҉ t҉o҉ c҉a҉r҉e҉ f҉o҉r҉ h҉e҉r҉, Y҉o҉u҉ c҉a҉n҉ t҉a҉k҉e҉ h҉e҉r҉ w҉i҉t҉h҉ y҉o҉u҉ f҉o҉r҉ a҉ c҉o҉u҉p҉l҉e҉ m҉o҉n҉t҉h҉s҉. S҉h҉e҉ n҉e҉e҉d҉s҉ t҉o҉ v҉i҉s҉i҉t҉ a҉t҉ l҉e҉a҉s҉e҉d҉ t҉w҉o҉ t҉o҉ t҉h҉r҉e҉e҉ d҉a҉y҉s҉ a҉ w҉e҉e҉k҉ f҉o҉r҉ c҉h҉e҉c҉k҉u҉p҉s҉. A҉n҉y҉ q҉u҉e҉s҉t҉i҉o҉n҉s҉?” The voice of a familiar doctor said.

“y҉e҉s҉, u҉m҉… H҉o҉w҉ l҉o҉n҉g҉ w҉i҉l҉l҉ L҉a҉p҉i҉s҉ t҉a҉k҉e҉ t҉o҉ r҉e҉c҉o҉v҉e҉r҉ f҉r҉o҉m҉ t҉h҉e҉ s҉h҉o҉t҉s҉ a҉n҉d҉ c҉a҉n҉ I҉ s҉t҉a҉y҉ h҉e҉r҉e҉ t҉i҉l҉l҉ s҉h҉e҉'s҉ s҉t҉a҉b҉l҉e҉ a҉g҉a҉i҉n҉?” Peridot asked, worry seeping into her words.

“G҉i҉v҉e҉ h҉e҉r҉ a҉n҉ h҉o҉u҉r҉o҉r҉ t҉w҉o҉. T҉h҉e҉ d҉r҉u҉g҉ i҉n҉ t҉h҉e҉ s҉h҉o҉t҉ t҉a҉k҉e҉s҉ a҉l҉o҉t҉ o҉f҉ e҉n҉e҉r҉g҉y҉ f҉r҉o҉m҉ h҉e҉r҉. S҉h҉e҉ m҉i҉g҉h҉t҉ a҉c҉t҉ a҉ l҉i҉t҉t҉l҉e҉ f҉u҉n҉n҉y҉ t҉o҉ s҉o҉… A҉n҉d҉ y҉e҉s҉, y҉o҉u҉ c҉a҉n҉ s҉t҉a҉y҉ o҉r҉ l҉e҉a҉v҉e҉ w҉h҉e҉n҉ e҉v҉e҉r҉. Y҉o҉u҉r҉ h҉e҉r҉ o҉n҉l҉y҉ l҉o҉v҉e҉d҉ o҉n҉e҉ a҉s҉ f҉a҉r҉ a҉s҉ w҉e҉ k҉n҉o҉w҉. A҉n҉y҉w҉a҉y҉, I҉ m҉u҉s҉t҉ b҉e҉ l҉e҉a҉v҉i҉n҉g҉. I҉f҉ a҉n҉y҉t҉h҉i҉n҉g҉ c҉o҉n҉c҉e҉r҉n҉i҉n҉g҉ h҉a҉p҉p҉e҉n҉s҉ a҉g҉a҉i҉n҉, d҉o҉n҉'t҉ h҉a҉s҉i҉t҉a҉t҉e҉ t҉o҉ c҉a҉l҉l҉. H҉a҉v҉e҉ a҉ g҉r҉e҉a҉t҉ d҉a҉y҉ M҉i҉s҉s҉.” 

“Y҉e҉s҉, y҉o҉u҉ t҉o҉. T҉h҉a҉n҉k҉s҉ D҉o҉c҉t҉o҉r҉ M҉a҉s҉w҉a҉s҉w҉e҉r҉i҉n҉.”

After that, it was quiet. There were some shifting noise and little sniffles but Lapis couldn’t process much. The drugs took over and she was put in a dark sleep.


	2. Part 2

Lapis was falling. Falling where? She doesn’t know. She was caught up in the middle of a fever dream, most likely from the drugged shots, which are pretty strong. All Lapis sees is black in every direction. Her body was flying. She didn’t really know if she's going up or down now. Then, everything turns white. It is too bright. She closes her eyes. _ What’s happening? _ She questions. She wants to panic and cry but she can’t. Something is stopping her from doing any action. Suddenly, she's in her hospital room, laying down. Lapis sits up, looking around. Peridot was in the same position she woke up to after her suicide attempt; except, she was sleeping and holding Lapis’s hand. Lapis stares at their conjoined hands. She tries to give a light squeeze, but she lacks the strength, her limbs are still numb. A chill runs down her spine. She looks behind her, only to come face to face with herself, sleeping. _ What the hell is happening right now? _ Her body moves on their own and she was in the air, right below her sleeping self. _ Is this some kind of out of body shit?! _ Lapis was absolutely stunned at this….whatever it was. Lapis just stayed floating there, looking at herself. She saw her body twitch a few times for this experience. At least she knows she isn’t dead, yet. Lapis tried to be sad at still being alive but something was keeping her from being the depresso-espresso she is. On that thought, her sleeping body shook like she was in freezing temperatures. She didn’t feel cold. This woke Peridot up instantly. She quickly stood up, still holding Lapis’s hand.

“Lapis…?” The blonde said worriedly, beginning to shake her already shaking body. “Lapis, are you awake?” Lapis looking down at her hands. They were shaking violently and starting to…..fade out of existence? _ What the fuck? _ Lapis’s sleeping body’s expression changed from one of peace to one of hurt and confusion; her body slowly stops shaking except the one Peridot was holding, the same hand that was fading faster than her other hand. Sweat was starting to show now too. Lapis starts checking over her flying body. It was fading from the end of each limb, like something consuming her. _ Fuck, shit, fuck, shit! _ By that time, her limbs disappeared and only her torso and head remain. Peridot was becoming more desperate. She stopped shaking Lapis and just laid on the bed, hugging her tight. “Lapis, it’s ok! I’m here. Please be okay.” Before her whole body faded, she watched as Peridot kissed her cheek.

……

………………

………….beep………” L҉a҉p҉i҉s҉?!”...........

...beep-beep…..beep-beep……”L҉a҉p҉i҉s҉, c҉o҉m҉e҉ o҉n҉! I҉t҉’s҉ P҉e҉r҉i҉d҉o҉t҉..! P҉l҉e҉a҉s҉e҉ d҉o҉ s҉o҉m҉e҉t҉h҉i҉n҉g҉! A҉n҉y҉t҉h҉i҉n҉g҉!”......

….._ what? _.....beep-beep…

..”Mmhm”...... Lapis responded.

...beep-beep….”L҉a҉p҉i҉s҉, o҉p҉e҉n҉ y҉o҉u҉r҉ e҉y҉e҉s҉, w҉a҉k҉e҉ u҉p҉!”......

Lapis slowly opens her eyes and instantly became dizzy; closing her eyes once again.

“Get her some shades and a fan, quickly!” Someone orders.

Lapis can feel hands lifting her up in a sitting position, her body limp; like a puppet without its puppeteer. Someone splashes cold water on her face, causing her to yelp in surprise and move her arms a little. She bobs her head a little until someone's hands were on her face. Something comes to contact with her nose and both ears. “Open your eye’s Lazuli.” Someone else says. She can feel all the hands pulling away from her now. Lapis feels a soft breeze blowing on her face.

“Mmhm....?” Lapis groans, slowly opening her eyes again. Everything was in a darker tint and very blurry. “Waz’ huh?” Lapis slurs questioningly, opening and closing her eyes to be rid of the blurriness of her sight. There were sighs of relief filling the room. Some people left and only two remaining. Once Lapis was done composing herself, a voice spoke.

“How are you feeling Miss Lazuli?” Lapis took a few seconds to process what the person said.

“Mhmh, I’z fewl…….’ike shit…” Lapis answers, voice slurred and eyes half lited. The doctor who is probably Dr. Maheswaran looked at Peridot, confused.

“Oh! Lapis said she feels like crap, to put it in context.” Peridot said sheepishly, still giving a worried expression.

“I see…. Miss Lazuli, do you want to answer my questions now or later when the drug wears off?” Dr. Maheswaran asked.

Lapis froze for a second, sweat dripping from her eyebrows and drool starting to fall from her mouth. Eventually, Lapis answered “Later. Can’s I has waiter and more cool air?” She slurs.

“Of course, I’ll be back.” She leaves.

“Lapis, you good?” Peridot asks.

“Mmmhmm. I’mz fine now, just feewling weird, sweaty hot, and spooked.”

“Spooked?” 

“Ohhhhh, I have this weird dream were like...like an out of body thingy and I saw myself sleep on this bed. You were like….sleeping while holding my hand…..then everything went weird and my body starts to….started fading…...oh, did I tell you I was floating above my own body and that……,” Lapis paused, squinting her eyes. “...Uuuuh, then you kissed my cheek and I blacked out to whatever the people were doing minutes ago…..yeah, that why I is spooked.” Lapis finished, chuckling a little.

Peridot was….a mix of emotions. What Lapis described happened right before she called the medics. 

“Uhh, that’s….interesting..” Peridot said very flusteredly, confused, and worriedly. Lapis focuses on Peridot. 

“Peri? Why yous making that face?” Lapis starts to worry.

“It’s just-“

The door opened to reveal Dr. Maheswaran with a bottle of water, a fan, and some snacks. “Am I intruding on something?”

“Uh, nope! We’re good, I’m good, everything is good!” Peridot responded, a little panicked.

“Alright,” She went to Lapis, handing her the water, a bag of chips, and a hand fan. “Would you like more time to talk?” She asks stepping away from Lapis, looking to Peridot. 

“Yes please..”

“Ok, call when you're ready.” With that, she leaves again.

“Peri…. waz wrong?” Peridot snaps her head back to Lapis, tears forming in her eyes. “Peri…..” In an instant, Peridot was hugging her, little sobs escaping her mouth. Lapis was about to question, but Peridot beat her to it.

“I’m scared, okay…” Peridot says continuing to sob in Lapis’ hold. Lapis comes to her senses and hugs back.

“It gonna be okay…”

“No, it’s not..”

“Yes, it is. Look, I know I’m on something but...it’s okay to be afraid sometimes. Don’t be like me, Peri. I’m just a burden to-“

Peridot pulls away and looks Lapis dead in the eyes. “You are not ever a burden, Lapis! You are the most important thing in my life… I…,” A pause. “I need you and we can help each other. I know you got some sort of baggage from your past and… I want to be there for you. If…. if you ever get depressed or suicidal or something, I’m here. You're not alone anymore.” Lapis was shocked at Peridot’s concerns and willing to help her. No one has ever done this before. 

Lapis didn’t know her eyes were tearing up or that her body was starting to shake again. All her focus was on Peridot’s words. The blonde notices the change and hugs Lapis again. They both cry into each other for a moment until there wasn’t any left. Once they pulled away from each other, Lapis catches Peridot's hand. The blonde looking up at her, a small smile on her face.

“Okay,” Lapis starts, “if you would truly want to help me, then I’ll let you..” Peri’s smile widens.

“Good, cause I’m not taking no for an answer.” They laugh for a moment, Lapis ignoring the little voice in the back of her head saying _ you don't deserve to live, you should die, no one cares about you, your worthless, _ and _ you don’t deserve her! _

_ Everything’s going to be fine. _ Lapis ignores her previous thoughts.


	3. Part 3

_ Time skip- 4 days later _

Lapis was on the couch, watching cartoons on the TV. Peridot has gone on an errand to get Lapis’s prescription medicine from the hospital. Unfortunately, this left Lapis alone at Peridot’s house. Before she left, however, she was given antibiotics as to not let Lapis try anything. It only lasts an hour though. It has been 45 minutes since Peridot took her leave. Lapis can feel the antibiotics start to vanish. Her self-loathing, trauma, and her-self harm creeping in. Lapis was trying to distract herself but it proved to be difficult.

Suddenly, her phone started to vibrate. Lapis slowly moved her hand to reach her phone. She looked at the caller ID. She froze. Memories pouring in. She knows this number but didn’t put it in her contacts list. It was her mother, Blue Diamond. Lapis’s heart rate increases, tears forming, body shaking, and sweat wetting her body. Once it stopped buzzing, she quickly opened her phone and called Peridot. 

It only took Peridot the first ring to answer. “Lapis, is everything ok?” She sounded worried.

“N-no..” Lapis said weakly, a sob escaping her. 

“I’m almost home. It will take me about five more minutes to get there. Is there anything I can do to help you?”

“Not really….” Lapis forced out.

“How long till the antibiotics last?”

Lapis looked at the digital clock on the wall. Her eyes were too filled with tears to read the time. “I-I don’t know! Soon! ¡Ya me siento como una mierda[I already feel like shit]! ¡Tengo tantos jodidos pensamientos regresando[ I have so many fucked up thoughts coming back]! ¡Por favor ven a casa antes de que haga algo estúpido[ Please come home before I do something stupid]! Por-por favor, a-ayúdame [p-please, h-help]......” Lapis yelled out and began to cry harder at the end, leaving her voice weak and shaky, nails starting to claw in her own skin.

“Lapis, please calm down. Take deep breaths ok? Remember, out two three. In two three. Come on Lapis. I care about you. You are loved and appreciated. You are valued. You are enough…” Peridot continued to say sweet praises to Lapis. Luckily, after about a minute or so, Lapis followed Peri’s instructions and took in the words Peridot was saying. Her sobs slowly becoming little sniffles and breathes, nails pulling away from her wrist. After a while, Peridot stopped talking and let Lapis have some quiet. After a while, Lapis heard the door starting to unlock. “I’m coming in,” Came Peridots voice from the phone and the other side of the door. 

“Ok...” Lapis mistakenly looked towards the picture of the ocean just to the top right of the TV. It filled Lapis with even more dread. She didn’t process Peridot coming in.

Peridot slowly opened the door, peaking in. Once her eyes landed on Lapis, she quickly came in, closed the door behind her, and sat beside Lapis. Peridot sat a white bag on the table just in front of the coach. The cartoon Lapis was watching still continuing to play. Peridot took the remote from the table and turned it off. Then, she looked Lapis down and up to her face. A look of horror was written on the bluenettes’ face.

“Lapis..?” She didn’t respond. She was looking past the blonde. Lapis’s mind was elsewhere. “Lapis, please look at me.” Peridots went in Lapis’s line of site. Still no response. Her eyes were clouded over in pain and horror. Peridot hesitates to touch Lapis. She touched her shoulder. Lapis flinched with a squeak. She closed her eyes shut, hugging herself to protect herself from those amber and chilling blue eyes. Lapis let out a “No, please..” Tone scared, shaky, and weak. 

“Lapis, it’s me, Peri. It's okay, your safe!” Peridot pleaded. Lapis squeezed her eyes tighter, both hands coming on each side of her head, body shaking rapidly. She continued to repeat, “No please no,” like a broken record. Peridot has never before seen Lapis have a panic attack this….. excruciating before. Peridot didn’t know what to do. However, she might have a clue. Peridot quickly ran to the kitchen to retrieve Lapis’s chlordiazepoxide and Xanax prescription and a bottle of water. Then, she ran to get her vibrator. Peridot ran back to the couch and positioned herself to sit next to Lapis’s side. Peridot puts the capsules and water down on the table and turned on the vibrator, rubbing in-between Lapis’s shoulder blades.

Luckily, Lapis responded by squirming and sitting in a normal position on the couch, slowly stopping her repetitive sentence. Within five minutes, Lapis successfully calmed down, shaking and sweating coming to a halt. Peridot pulled the vibrator away and placed it on the table.

“I….” Lapis started, opening her eyes and spoke emotionlessly; her eyes were dilated a bit and a deep blue. “Sorry about that…”

“You don’t need to apologize for anything. Just talk to me.” Peridot said, concerned.

“It’s hard to talk about.”

“I know it is, but you can’t keep it bottled up forever. Please?” Lapis contemplated. Lapis’s whole life was hell to her. Every year, or even every month, had Lapis living a painful life, apart from her age 1 to 9 years old, Marine Biology classes, meeting Peridot and Steven, and….water? She can’t really say water was one of them, but she  _ did  _ enjoy it, sometimes.

“There's just too much..” Lapis whispered. Peridot barely heard it but decided to get at least some information.

“Just tell me what you want me to know so I can try to help you.” Lapis’s bit her lip and sighed.

“Okay….umm,” Lapis said, thinking of what to say. “First, I just need to warn you I possibly will cry. And whatever you do…. don’t touch me. It will lead me to panic again.” Lapis took a deep breath.

“I. . . . wasn’t really treated well by my foster mother but, to put it simply, she abused me a lot and kick me out through half my childhood. I was left out on the streets at 15 years old. I lived like that for weeks, just living out in the streets, but Steven brought me to his house and took me in for a bit. But one unlucky day I ran into…..into…” Lapis stuttered, looking down at her wrists covered in burn and scratch marks. Lapis made a fist. “She took me to her house...forcefully. She knows my foster mother. She knows Steven was my lifeline. She basically kidnaped me…” Lapis pauses, looking up to Peridot's eyes, yellow-tinted glasses covering her eye color. Peridot looked worried. Lapis’s voice came out weak. “Can you take your glasses off? Please?” Peridot instantly took them off and looked at Lapis, now off-colored without her enchroma tritanopia glasses. Lapis stares back at her, focusing on her teal eyes. “She trapped me in her house, mainly her workout studio. There were mirrors everywhere I looked it…..it drove me insane. She wasn’t too happy about that. Just when I thought nothing could get worse...” Lapis paused again and closed her eyes, trying to manage her breathing. She opened her eyes to Peridots’ very scared and worrisome look. Lapis change her sitting position to face her body towards Peridots. Looking at the blonde intensity, focusing her teal eyes to overpower Jaspers amber ones in her mind. “She put handcuffs on me, but I made a run for the beach. It was dark out. She caught me and…..she...she-she-she….” Lapis stopped, barring into Peridot's eyes. Tears starting to cover her vision. “She forced me into the cold, suffocating, ocean. She grabbed at me, drowning me, yelling and screaming at me from the surface. I fought back. I turned the tables on her and we both ended up cuffed together. I was sinking, we were sinking and……. I blacked out……” 

By now, Lapis was balling. Tears were everywhere, she couldn’t see Peridots teal eyes through the blurriness. The amber eyes were coming back. Lapis curling in on herself on the coach. Peridot wants to comfort her but was dumbfounded; shocked at Lapis’s story. 

But she continues.

“I woke up wet in her bed. She was on top of me, p-pinned me d-down on her b-bed. I d-didn’t know how I-I g-g-got there, b-b-but all I could p-process was everything being n-n-n-n-numb and s-something b-burning inside me.” Lapis was shaking uncontrollably, hugging herself. “She raped me constantly.” Lapis deadpans. “E-everything just h-happened so-so fast… I couldn’t process anything. I could o-only see those a-amber eyes g-glaring at me, t-touching me p-p-places I d-didn’t want to be t-touched, rolling in and out of c-conciseness, It was-It was torture!” Lapis starts breathing faster. “It got e-even w-worse because she would repeat the things from l-last time but-but in the water. She sk-skinny-dipped and fucked me in the ocean! Not to mention her forcing all kinds of drugs and alcohol on me! I-it was too much!” Lapis shouted bloody murder and sobbed into herself, holding herself for dear life. The scenes playing over and over in her head.

As Lapis’s panic grows, Peridot snapped out of her shock, putting her glasses back on. She quickly took Lapis’s medications off the table. Luckily, the doctors explained how to use it when their patients were in the middle of a panic. Peridot hastily opened the capsule of Xanax. Once she took out a pill, she placed the capsule on the table, grabbed the water, and tried to get Lapis to reality.

“Lapis, your not there anymore! Can I touch you?”

Lapis’s response was a cough and she launches herself on to Peridot. Lapis held her waist, clinging onto her.

“I’m giving you your medications. Open your mouth.” Lapis complied through her distress. Peridot put the pill on her tongue and opened the bottle, pouring some water in her mouth slow and carefully. Lapis drinks it and Peridot puts the half-empty bottle back on the table. After that, Peridot held on to Lapis, saying things to calm her until her cries ceased.

Before long, Lapis was breathing normally. The bluenettes hold slackens and nuzzled into Peridots’ chest. Lapis was practically in her lap, which made it a little awkward due to Peridots size. She blushes for the closeness.  _ She’s so cute, vulnerable, and fragile.  _ Peridot thinks. Fatigue was consuming Lapis, along with the Xanax. “Pear...iz sleep.” Lapis mumbles.

“Do you want to stay here or go to your bed?” Peridot asks, petting Lapis’s head with a smile on her face.

“Mmhmm, bed with you..”She mumbled again. 

Peridot slowly takes herself off Lapis and takes her to her bed piggyback style. She sat her down and pushes her back on the bed. Lapis mumbles more inaudible words as she tucks her in bed. Once she finishes, Lapis tiredly said for Peridot to stay with her. She hesitantly takes her glasses off and lays in her friend's bed, which used to be her guest room. Lapis was already falling asleep. Peridot shifts to look at Lapis sleeping peacefully. She cracks a smile and took a kiss on Lapis’s forehead.

“Rest well.” Peridot whispers, taking Lapis’s hand in hers with a smile.


	4. Part 4

Lapis wakes to the sound of birds chirping. Slowly, Lapis opens her eyes to come face to face with a sleeping Peridot. _ God, she’s cute, _ she said internally. Lapis looks at their position. They were holding hands and their legs intertwined, faces six inches apart from each other. Lapis blushes deeper. _ How did we come to be in this position? What if we spooned? _ Lapis shook that though off instantly. She careful detached herself. It took some effort due to the medication but she did her best. Once free, she stood up...and instantly fell face first on the floor, letting out a pained cursing noise. This startles Peridot awake. She instantly sits up and looked around, looking for Lapis frantically and reached out to put her glasses on due to her reflexes.

“Lapis? Where are you?” her voice coming rough and worried. Lapis let out a muffled “down here,” which Peridot quickly leaned over to look at the ground on the other side of the bed. “Are you okay? Do you need help?” She asked, standing up and stopping at her friend's body.

Lapis struggles to get up but lets out a little “help” to allow the blonde to help her up. She sits her down on the bed, still wobbly from the drugged pill the other day..._ how long was I sleeping for? I haven't felt this well-rested in...well, I can't remember… _

“You feeling okay?” Peridot asked, sitting beside her.

“Yeah,” Lapis states, looking at her hand. Dizziness consumed her vision, preventing her to see detail and more than two hands in front of her. “just out of it is all.” she shrugged nonchalantly.

“Alright, let's eat some food okay?” Peridot said, standing up and stretching. Lapis, however, wasn't feeling anything at the moment but agreed with a fake smile.

Minutes later, Peridot made Mac and cheese while Lapis sat by, looking out the window, lost in thought. She couldn’t really see anything through her blurry vision though. Peridot would look over her shoulder once in a while, only to see Lapis’s smile diminish each time. The younger of the two frowned. Something was bothering her.

Once Peridot finishes, she took both bowls other to where Lapis was sitting, still looking out the window.

“Hey, Lapis?” She snapped out of her thoughts and looked over to her friend, a small blush on her face. “Is everything okay?” She asked, giving Lapis a warm but worried smile and giving her the bowl. Lapis took it and look down at it. She hasn’t been eating much, just having little snacks Peri suggests, but she wasn’t hungry at all. The smell of it made its way to her nose, making her scrunch her nose at the non-appetizing meal in her hands._ Bet it tastes like nothing, just like my snacks. . . . _

Lapis shrugs to Peri’s question, crestfallen. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asks.

“It's just,” Lapis pauses looking at Peridot. “nothing I eat has taste and flavor, along with not being hungry…” she sighs. “Something is wrong with me…” she looks back down at the bowl with a saddened look.

It was quiet for a moment. The blonde coming up with a solution but failing. Though, once Lapis’s prescription fades, she just needed to be there for her and let her complain to help her trust her a little more. She couldn’t really make anything better anyway. So she states something Lapis would never expect.

“That sucks.” Lapis looks to her friend, a smirk appearing on her face.

“It really does…...Thanks for helping me. I never would think anybody would let me move in with them and be my caretaker and friend…..except for Steven...” she stated softly.

“Speaking of Steven, do you want to visit him. He's been worried. He keeps calling me because you won't answer your phone.”

“Oh…...I’m just scared he is mad at me or hates me now,” said Lapis in a worried tone, placing the bowl on the table. Peridot did the same.

“He will always care about you,” Peridot said sincerely, sitting next to the other.

“Of course you would say that, just to make me feel better. Peridot, look at me. I’m a mess and constantly on some drug that makes me act like everything is sunshine and rainbows. I can never have that luxury. Not ever. All because of these stupid things keep happening to me. That’s why I can’t take it.” She said, sounding defeated and digging her nails into her skin unconsciously.

Peridot quickly took hold of her wrists. “Hey, stay with me. You're just doubting yourself.” Lapis struggled in the blondes hold, eyes shut tightly and breathing rigid.

Out of nowhere, Lapis shouted bloody murder. “LET ME GO JASPER!” Peridot instantly took her hands off her, surprised at the others scream. It was silent for a minute, apart from Lapis’s shaky breathing. “No no no no. Not again.”

“Lapis, Hey.” Peridot waves a hand in her face, then snapping when it didn’t work.

“Stop, please. Let me go. I didn’t do anything to you.” Lapis mumbled, the present world disappearing. 

“_ But you did. You abandoned your mother and your very existence is a good enough answer.” Jasper growled, grasping Lapis’s arm and pulling her down to the floor. _

“_ No…... Jasper, please don’t.” She pleaded, her back hitting the ground and Jasper on top of her. _

_ “No one can stop what’s coming to you.” Then she forcefully shoved her three fingers in. Lapis made the scariest sound that could only be described as everything to deal with pain and suffering. The feeling burned and terrified her pasted death. _

She unconsciously squirms and fought. Her mind filled with memories of hell. She didn’t realize she was moving in the present. All she thought was what happened when she got raped by Jasper, not Peridot trying so desperately to calm her down. She could feel every touch. Every hit that left a mark. Every argument that Jasper kept winning. It crashed Lapis all at once. To overwhelmed and panicked.

Peridot didn’t know what to do. Lapis was running into walls, making terrifying noises, arm movements defensive. Through Peridots panic, she went through her memory to remember what doctor Maheshwarren said to calm panic attacks. _ “Shout to her, call her name, reassure her that she is safe, the threat isn’t there, and you are with her. Keep doing that without touching her until her eyes are focused on you, talking, and/or come to you. Ask if you can touch her, comfort her by rubbing her back or something soothing, if so. Regulate her breathing by going in and out slowly or blowing out her breath like she’s blowing bubbles. Once she’s calm, be there and don’t let go until she asked for you to. Ask if she is okay and give her water or a snack. She should be fine after that, but they may occur multiple times.” _

Peridot took a deep breath, calming her nerves. “Lapis, it’s ok. You are not there. You are home with me, Peridot.” Lapis responded by stopping in her tracks and shaking her head, arms holding her head, eyes shut tight, and grunted a ‘no stop.’

“It’s ok, your okay. Your home. Your safe and nothing is going to hurt you. I’m here for you. Let me help you.” She carefully steps closer to her. Lapis steps back, her back hitting against the wall. Peridot stopped. “It’s just Peridot Lapis. I’m not going to hurt you or touch you. Just calm down for me.” Lapis took her hands off her head, eyes hesitantly looked to Peridot.

Fear and helplessness was written deeply in her eyes and a horrified face. She looked everywhere around the room, searching for something or someone. “Focus on me Lapis. Your ok. Your not in danger. It’s just us.” Peridot reassures. The bluenette looked to Peridot again, giving a pleading look. “It’s ok, just breath in and out slowly you hear?”

She nodded, eyes focused on her friend and regulating her breathing. She slid down the wall, just sitting there like a broken doll. “Can I sit by you?”

She nodded. The blonde made her way over, careful not to make any sudden movements. She sat down, looking at blank space and giving Lapis a moment to calm. Eventually, Lapis reached over and took the others hand in hers. Peridot turned and looked at her blue eyes. “Sorry you had to see that…” she mumbled.

“It’s okay. I just want to help you.” She said, giving a little smile.

“Still…. I’m used to dealing with this alone. I was by myself for a couple of weeks.”

“Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer it.”

“Fire away, what else do I have to lose?” Lapis shrugged.

“Why didn’t you tell me you've been experiencing these panic attacks when I meet you?”

Lapis looked away and stared at the same picture of the ocean. She grimaced. “Because I just got out of something that broke me and had no idea who to trust, plus I didn’t like telling people my burdens.”

“Understandable, but how did you hide it so well?”

“I have a lot of experience of keeping my emotions in check and hiding secrets.” There was a pause. “Sorry, that sounded depressing.” She gave a bittersweet laugh.

“Hey, look at me.” Lapis complies, looking at Peridot with a tired expression. “I know this is hard to believe with your….. past experience, but I want to help you. I care about you and you mean a lot to me, more than you can imagine. I’m here to lift that weight off your shoulders. If something’s bothering you then tell me. If you want to tell me something, I’m here to listen. I won’t judge you. Don’t think you’re a burden to me, cause your not. I am here for you and only you. So if you want to tell me something, I am here to listen and care for you. ” Peridot stated in a soft and caring tone.

Lapis stares awestruck at her, a tear rolling down her cheek. She squeezed her hand. “No one has ever said that to me.”

“Well, they're missing out.” She jokes, earning a chuckle and nudge from Lapis.

“Jeez, Peridot. You always know what to say.”

“I guess so,” She paused, “want to get something to eat?”

“Still not hungry but I would like ‘the bits’.”

“Trademark.” The blonde muttered, getting up, and reaching a hand to help Lapis up. She takes it with a smile, getting up. “It’s not a trademark if the world doesn’t know it.”

“Still. It’s Stevens thing.” She said, walking over to take her keys out of the drawer by the door, Lapis followed. “Wanna call him over to join us? I’m sure he’ll love to see you after you disappeared for three months.” She suggested.

“I suppose it wouldn’t hurt,” she thought.

“My point exactly,” Peridot said, both walking out the door, locking it behind them. She then pulled her phone out of her pocket and called Steven.

“Hey, Peri! What’s up?

“Hey, Steven! I was wondering if you would join us to get ‘the bits’.

“Yeah, sure! But who’s us?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“Aww come on…,” he whined, “But fine, I’ll be there in just a minute.”

“K, I just reached my car so I’ll take a moment to get there.”

“Ok, see you there with your mystery person!”

“Alright, see you soon!” Peridot ended, Steven ending the call first.

“A surprise huh?” Lapis questioned, getting in the passenger seat, buckling in.

“Yup, this is going to be a heartfelt reunion.” She stated, sitting in the driver's seat, buckled in, and pulling out of her driveway.

“If you say so.” 

* * *

As soon as they parked, they saw Steven talking to Pee Dee. Lapis froze, staring nervously at him. “It’s going to be fine. Stop being doubtful.” Peridot reminded, getting out.

Lapis bit her lip and looked up at Peridot. She was going to say something but stopped and fidgeted with her hands. The blonde sighed, closing the door and walking to Lapis’s door side. She opened it, standing to the side and coaxed her to get out. She hesitated, then unbuckled and slowly got out, an anxious look on her face and one hand holding her arm.

“Come on. Do you need me to hold your hand?” Peridot teased but held her hand out. Lapis blushed but took her offer. The first thing that came to her head was how soft, warm, and gentle the others hand was. This caused her to blush even more, but luckily Peridot wasn’t looking at her. They began to walk towards Steven, Lapis squeezed harder with every yard.

Steven seemed to not pay attention and continued talking to Pee Dee. The suspense was eating Lapis up. Once they get closer and their footsteps became audible to Steven, he turned around with a smile but quickly was replaced with shock and teary eyes. He couldn’t wait for them so she just bolted straight to Lapis.

“Oh my gosh!” He said wrapping his arms around Lapis. Peridot saw this coming and let go of her. The bluenette just stood there, looking down at the boy's curly black hair. “I was so worried about you! I tried calling but you didn’t answer and,” he sniffed and looked up at her, “I thought I wouldn’t see you again! Please don’t ghost me like that.” He let out, on the verge of crying and hugged her tighter.

Lapis was surprised at his words. She thought that she was a waste of space to him and the Crystal Gems. She was cold, distant, and rude to them and couldn’t forgive herself for acting like that.

Lapis shed some tears and hugged back. “I’m so sorry.”

Steven pulling back, looking at her with confusion. “You didn’t do anything to apologize for. I’m just glad to see you. More than you think.” He said with a smile. Lapis didn’t believe it but let it go. She wiped her tears away and gave a small ‘ok’.

“You wanna get some bits now?” The two broke their conversation and looked to Peridot, both forgetting her presence.

“Oh, yes, right,” Steven stumbled nervously while scratching his head. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m just glad that you two talked. Now, let’s catch up and eat.” She stated, making her way to the stand. The two stood there but followed, both a smile on their teary faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! Its been awhile ae? I cut this short because I didn’t know what would come next so yeah. However, I am working on a multi-chapter story. I want to post it when I’m completely done because I change a lot of things later and it would be confusing for you guys. It will take a while though because I procrastinate on my creativity sometimes. If you are wondering what it’s about, I can tell you this. It is a Su fic, of course, and has supernatural themes. Hopefully, I’ll finish at least one multi-chapter fic in my life.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed this! Even tho it is a little short-lived at the end. And yes, I love writing about depressing topics in all my writing, if you haven’t noticed.


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